Self Reflection

In the first few weeks that my husband and I knew we were expecting, there was a roller coaster of extreme emotions that we got to experience...the shock of what that urine stick revealed, overwhelming joy of becoming first time parents to a baby girl and scared & hopeful that my little sister would pull through ok in the ICU from her car accident.  None held a candle next to the results we got one doctor's visit for a routine screening. 

Our doctor's office had sent us over to the Maternal Fetal Specialists office to perform a sequential screening.  A sequential screening is a two-part test that screens for fetal Down syndrome, trisomy 18 and open neural tube defects.  On September 7th they basically they drew my blood to send off for several lab tests and then we'd have to go back for an ultrasound so they could take measurements of the baby's limbs and organs.  Once they'd taken my blood, we'd gotten test results a few days later saying everything appeared normal.  We only had a 1 in 5,600 chance our baby could have Down Syndrome - this number sounded scary to me, but nurse assured me it was normal.  There were other tests ran too, but this number was burned into to my memory. 

We were back again on September 16th to have the second part of the screening.  My husband and I had already been irritated by sitting in the waiting room for an hour and now the ultrasound was taking forever too.  Of course I was in love watching our little girl on the small screen in that dark room, but this was not helping my PTO available at work (hence shortening my PTO available for maternity leave).  The nurse got through with measurements and gave us a few pictures she'd printed for us and stated the doctor would be in shortly to go over everything.  Everything seemed routine and normal as she smiled and exited our room. 

After a few minutes the doctor came in and sat down next to us.  She stated that the baby's neck was not measuring thick enough and that they wanted to give us the opportunity to run more tests.  I was confused and felt a lump swelling in my throat.  The doctor said this marker made our odds 10% of what they previously thought for Down Syndrome.  We were now 1 in 560 - gulp.  She told us that an amniocentesis procedure could determine 100% if we were about to face the toughest road ahead.  She explained the procedure and the risks involved.  They'd stick a needle through my stomach and remove a small amount of amniotic fluid, which contains fetal tissues, extracted from the amniotic sac surrounding the baby and the fetal DNA would be examined for genetic abnormalities.  The risks mentioned were serious complications resulting in miscarriage and other possible complications included preterm labor and delivery, respiratory distress, postural deformities, fetal trauma and alloimmunisation of the mother.  She said most patients say they go through the procedure for a few reasons: pregnancy termination is still an option and peace of mind/acceptance of results.  She left us to discuss this option and for us to decide if we wanted to proceed or to leave it as an unknown until the baby's arrival.  

I've never been so scared in my entire life.  I felt like I'd just went over the biggest drop on Six Flag's Goliath roller coaster - my stomach had butterflies and I thought I might throw up.  I would never forgive myself if we go through with the procedure and something happens to the baby, but on the other hand would I be able to forget until her delivery or would I be a train wreck until she's here and we know for sure.  So many 'what if' thoughts were running through my head in those short minutes we were alone.  When the doctor came back in it seemed like it was the best idea for us, in order to move forward, that we have the amniocentesis performed.  As I lay there while they prepped me, I felt our baby's first movements (exactly 13 weeks on Sept. 16th).  It was still a happy pregnancy memory and even though I'd been crying I remember feeling amazed that there is a baby doing somersaults inside of me.  The amniocentesis didn't hurt that bad since they'd numbed me up, but while my eyes were closed I heard the pop of the needle going through my belly.  Ewwy! 

The results took two weeks to test the baby's DNA.  The waiting game was the hardest part to handle.  I really didn't want to talk to anyone about it...not co-workers, friends nor family.  I spent a lot of the next two weeks crying.  It was a self reflection for me as well.  It made me wonder how things would turn out if I had a baby with a genetic abnormality and how I would react if I in fact got that news.  Would my life or marriage ever be the same?  Matt told me 'don't worry until we have something to worry about'.  And still I cried.  He told me a few days later that I was making it hard for him to stay strong, and I started to feel guilty that he was right.  He was being the rock for our growing family and I was clinging to him for every ounce of hope.  I tried to keep my concerns to myself until we got some news since I was really turning into a Debbie Downer.  Plus, the stress I was going through was probably not healthy for the baby either.  It was hard to keep a smile on at work and outside the house.  It was hard to keep my faith.  

The days passed slowly, but finally we got a voicemail from the Specialists office.  My heart was racing.  We would finally know, without a doubt.  I closed my office door and dialed as quickly as my fingers would move.  The nurse's voice sounded like an angel when she said the results are normal.  They also confirmed with her DNA that the baby was a girl and that our pink nursery was a safe decision.  I called my husband and my mom to spread the wonderful news.  The boulder I'd been carrying on my shoulders for 14 days had now disappeared.  I thought to myself I need to try and enjoy being pregnant and nothing else matters, but that our little girl is healthy.  It was an amazing feeling and a relief to everyone who knew.  However, it really made me wake up and appreciate the battles some families can face.  I follow a blog about one of these families journey's because it helped me cope during my toughest times throughout this period of my pregnancy: http://www.kellehampton.com/p/about.html

Having pregnancy hormones already made me think of my deceased grandmother often.  We definitely had an angel watching over us - love and miss you Grandma!

May you always have an Angel to watch over you

Lil G Unveiled

One September day I was sitting in my office at work, trying not to focus on the morning sickness that took over my body for two weeks in my first trimester, when I heard my cell buzzing.  I looked at the caller ID screen (ha - is it still even called that these days?) and it was my brother-in-law Ryan on the line.  I thought that's weird cause Ryan is typically super busy at work.  We'd just recently told our families that we were expecting a little Goldin next March.  Ryan called to give us a great suggestion...what if we both go with our families on the same trip to the doctor to find out the gender of the two Goldin babies on the way (his wife was expecting as well).  They'd tried several times to find out the gender prior to us unveiling our new baby news, but did not have much luck as the baby was uncooperative and crossed its legs each time.  This was a blessing in disguise so that both of our families could share in the wonderful excitment together!  What a perfect idea.  Since they were 5 weeks ahead of us, it only meant they had to wait until we were ready but everyone seemed willing.   

My sister-in-law Abbey set everything up for us, so all we had to do is tell our families.  October 19th, 2010 (week 17 for us) we were both scheduled for a gender determination ultrasound!  We rounded up the clan and it ended up being my Gramps, my little brother, Matt's brother Ryan and their family and Matt's parents who would come with us to hear whether we'd be painting the nursery blue or pink.  The doctor's office we set up the appointment with specialized in early gender determination and even had the ultrasound available onine in real-time so my sister-in-law, and my mom & sister (who were in FL) could watch at home while it was happening.  

Lil G's great Gramps

We were all anxious when the day finally arrived.  I had to make it through the work day before we went in that evening and man I was nervous.  The pressure was on to have the same sex babies so they could build a close relationship with each other growing up together.  We debated who'd go for the first ultrasound and Matt & I got the short straw. 

Once we got there they brought all of us back to the ultrasound room and since they specialized in gender determination they were prepared for lots of family members joining the soon-to-be parents during their visits.  The room was big enough to seat everyone and had a huge screen to project the ultrasound on - movie theather like. Well maybe not that big but definitely 90inch screen at the least.  The nurse said 'ok who's first?'  I hopped up on the table and she began to rub my belly down with warm gel.  My heart was in my throat - even though we'd love Lil G either way, it's a big milestone along the journey.  She pointed out and typed up 'little feet', 'little hands', etc (so my mom & sister could tell at home too).  She kept saying I think I know what the gender is, but kept waiting and waiting to say.  Finally after fifteen minutes (what seemed like an hour of unknown trepidation) of beautiful images of our baby on the screen, she point to a part of the picture and said 'see those three little lines...IT'S A GIRL'.

Up until this point we'd had fun guessing and going by old wives tales, we thought we were going to have a boy.  Then that morning of our gender determination I had a weird feeling, almost like mother intuition, and told Matt that I thought the baby was a girl.  Once the news was out and the nurse typed it into the ultrasound screen, my mom started calling right away.  We still were in the room and had to wait for Abbey to go next.  They already had a boy who was athletic and a cutie, Cannon, and a girl, who was shy yet totally adorable, Janie.  We hoped they could share the same joy as us in knowing who we'd be meeting in 23 more weeks and that their baby would tell us it's secret too.  Much to our surprise, they were expecting a girl as well!  Whoo hoo!!  How fun this ride will be together I thought.  Sharing clothes, childhood memories and family adventures as cousins.  It made me miss my cousins, who I'd grown up so close with when I was young.  Abbey had brought little PINK bracelets that said 'It's a Girl' for all of us...so sweet.  

Afterwards I ran outside to call my mom back to chat.  Everyone had joy in their hearts that evening and my mom was probably the most excited.  She'd already given me a bag full of girl clothes prior to this night and I thought she was crazy because what if we'd had a boy?  I guess she already knew deep down inside though.  As I was on the phone I started thinking about my husband's reaction the moment the nurse said it's a girl.  He looked happy, but slightly scared.  I think he was a bit more relieved when he found out his brother was having a girl too.  I told him that he could still talk to her about football and working out.  I figured once he saw her face he'd be butter anyways.

We all decided to go out for yogurt (Menchie's self serve with endless topping - yum) after leaving the doctor's office.  It ended the evening on a great note.

The two mommy-to-be's

Since we'd spent the evening with family, we didn't get much time that night to talk about the baby news to ourselves before bedtime.  However, I won't forget the very next morning.  Matt must've been thinking about it before he dosed off to sleep the night before because as soon as we woke up the first thing that came out of this mouth before climbing out of bed was 'She's not dating until she's 30!'  Too cute :)